i think i need to find a very exciting hobby and stick to it during the wee hours that my mind does not turn off. it is 4:42 in the morning and im still up wasting time on the computer. one of the few things that was great in florida was that i was barely on the computer, and i really didnt watch that much tv. but i do think my liver and lungs are healing up nicely since im not doing as much constant damage. i think i might have got a job but i will have to get passed the DT.
its been awhile since i've poured myself out on a page. i used to write something about my day, everyday, or something that was bothering me. i used to have a notebook i would write it all in. actually i have many of those. poems, songs, letters never sent...sometimes they are better when they arent sent...but some i wish i would have. i guess what is meant to be is meant to be but sometimes you have to wonder what would have happened if you had done something different.
which this always happens when you come to a path in the road. what will i do? i should be moving to canada in a couple weeks if everything happens that needs to- im very excited. i've always wanted to live there. now i finally get my chance. i hope that meeting new people comes easy, although i will kind of be living in the sticks.
i must have done something right for so many people willing to help me so much. many times i feel as though i havent really accomplished much for 21 years on the earth and maybe i should be doing something more worth my time. but i know i have a good heart and i try to have good qualities that i look for in other people.
i've found it much easier this time to leave florida. not that i dont miss everyone just the same as i did before but i have a great opportunity and knowing that the people who really are important will always be important no matter where i am on a map. i think my time in florida was very limited and many occurrences that happened were just telling me to get out as fast as i could and not to look back. i seriously believe in signs and my luck was running very thin.
but anyways, i think maybe i ate too much today and i should go to bed.
its so weird when you keep getting older. you make decisions and you think they are fairly easy, but when it comes down to it, it really boggles your mind. sometimes its not so easy to just listen to your heart. i looked out the window today and it looked exactly like when we first moved in to this house. i think actually the date we moved in would be tomorrow. march 21st. i remember exactly how i felt. as i looked out that window, everything came back to me. i remember how sad i was to be away from home and how i didnt know how i was going to have the strength to do all the things i planned and wanted to do. how i was going to make it. i thought it would be no time before i ran for the airport and i said fuck it. but i held on and worked my ass off and bought a car. i put myself through a semester. i paid off my rabbit. i just waited and pondered on how great it will be when i can go and visit everyone i missed. the people i still miss. im moving back may 1st. i was very happy when i bought my ticket. it took me quite awhile to tell my dad i was going to move back. i told him last night. i didnt sleep too well. today it drained me out, i didnt think it would affect me so much after i told him. but now its so real. i will be back there in that dead end town i came back from. as much as im excited, im so terrified that i will get myself stuck back in the same pattern that ended with me never doing anything with myself. dont get me wrong, this is what i want to do, but im just having all these emotions flying back at me.
im going to be 21 in a little over 3 months. what am i going to do with myself? all of a sudden i have like all these motherly instincts coming through and i want to be a mom. not anytime soon, but now im getting a all new perspective on everything. i think that a lot of things are coming together in my mind, and its going to make everything alot easier. i love my parents. they both have major major flaws but who doesnt. i always had the mindset that i didnt want to be anything like my parents. well thats pretty much impossible considering your parents raise you and teach you everything. but now when i think about my parents i dont think "oh i dont want to be anything like them" im now like "i want to be like this and this about my dad, and this and this about my mom." i think if we looked at everyone that way there would be so much less hate in the world and a lot more understanding.
you only have one shot in life and most people dont even get a long one. who knows what will happen tomorrow. you have to enjoy today.
i wish i could open my mouth and say what was really on my mind. if i did it probably not come out right, as i would probably studder my words. everytime i think i am going to say what i feel it comes out sounding like it is totally in a different context. then maybe it does come out the way i think it should but later on i think about it and all i really said was something bland that could have meant anything. i think the key to everything is communication, and i am not communicating at all. its all a dead end.
all this really is thoughts floating around my head, i have the flu, and i have to work tomorrow.
did you know if i smoke a cigarette with a minor in my car i can face up to 20 days in jail? thats right they just passed that law up here.
i can smoke with a minor in the house. i can smoke standing right beside a minor in my front yard but i cannot smoke if there is a minor in my car.
makes as much sense as you can get pulled over for not wearing your seatbelt but if you are riding a motorcycle you dont have to wear a helmet.
my wisdom teeth will never pop out i've been told. i want to get them out just for the painkillers, but i dont think its going to happen.
if you brush more than two minutes you can actually hurt your teeth, nobody told you that one did they?
sorry im on wikipedia reading about teeth for some reason.
but this is interesting- In the future, tooth decay may be banished by treatment with a genetically modified bacterium, according to research at the University of Florida.
why do we do the things we do? why dont we do the things we want? why do we regret? we should think more of ourselves. we should ask more of ourselves. why do some people achieve more? why do some achieve less? is it really our heart or our mind that falls in love? maybe its both, and our heart falls in love and our mind falls out of love. is that why you get a broken heart? maybe you are just getting a broken mind. how can we all be so different and be so alike? maybe if you thought the way i did, you would understand. maybe if i thought the way you did, i would understand. how did i end up here? how did you end up there? i wish i knew sometimes. you probably wish you knew sometimes. if i didnt decide to do that, would i be married and have kids right now? if you decided not do do that, would we be married and have kids? i know you had a picture of me, and i had one of you. i still have a picture of you, do you still have one of me?
some how i stumbled along this way and got in new jersey. worked very hard, saved up, bought a car, paid for school, and now its all happening. i have this feeling that what i have picked is now an unattainable thing that once i am through, will really lead me nowhere. im afraid that i have ideas that are great enough but not the talent to put these pictures and ideas down on paper. in all reality you just need the latter to do what you want. artists steal ideas constantly(not all but a good portion) and get by. i could never steal anybody elses work.(at least knowingly)
i just wish that i knew whether i was wasting time. then its also true with that attitude i will only defeat myself.
so i worked my six days this week back at subway where it all started i look out the windows every morning it looks the same as florida but with alot more trees i could just go down take a left and be at shaniquas house i wish i could go but now you take a left and you are on the AC expressway and its not a e-pass its a ez-pass it says you have to go through at 15 mph i drove through it like you would on the 408 the whole AC expressway lit up i think i will probably get a ticket new jersey laws make me feel like we were a bunch of banchees in florida i quit smoking cigarettes its been 67 days now i have saved up a grand to put down on a car but i dont even have a bank account up here my dad makes me make my bed every morning and you cant have anything on the floor i was suppose to clean my room today but how do you clean your room when they make you keep it spotless? i'm not dusting my room thats where i draw the line i made noah and julian take a picture with me and the easter bunny noah didnt want to my mom tells me to come home seth said he has a blunt waiting for me if i do come back but i think im going to stay for awhile go back to school and concentrate on my art and music i just miss everyone so much it makes me cry and it seems like no one answers the phone or a IM but it is pretty cool up here to look up at things i've only met gangsters so far this one girl put cornrows in my hair at work today and invited me to the boardwalk to smoke a dutch i would have taken her up on the offer but my dad would have known and thats NOT ALLOWED but i guess thats all for now and happy easter
well i should be going to sleep i have to work early in the morning
but i havent been on the internet in quite a while
so here i am, i've been working quite a bit, saving up for a car. i've found some interesting places up here. it's not that bad up here in new jersey, i just wish i had someone up here to explore it with. my dad is a major ass, but im trying to look beyond that. hopefully i can land this job that i have an interview for on wednesday, then i can have my own apartment and not deal with him and his rules. i think all the time about all of the different times in clermont and wish i was back. i work for some indians, they are really funny. i can't understand alot of what they are saying. i quit smoking completely but i think the only real reason was it's like 6 bucks a pack here. i found a cool smoke shop today with ian but my dad checks all my shit so im not going to get caught with anything. it was cool just to go look at all the bongs and stuff. they are changing the age to 19 to buy anything up here. i cant believe i have only been up here two months...it seems like much longer than that. hopefully time will go by quicker so i can start school and meet some people.
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